In a few days, I will be heading up to Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, to spend two weeks at OSRUI. I am so excited to sit by the lake and eat ice cream, and of course to teach and sing and pray and play with the campers in my unit. Last summer was my first summer serving on the faculty at camp. Our theme for teaching was the weekly Torah portion, and when we got to this week’s parasha, Korach, we had a difficult decision to make about how to teach it.
In the portion, Korach rallies a group of followers to rise against Moses and says, “You have gone too far! For all the community are holy, all of them, and God is in their midst. Why then do you raise yourselves above God’s congregation?” Moses and God are furious, and God opens up the earth and swallows up Korach and his followers. That quote is the only thing we hear from Korach, and to me, it doesn’t seem so bad. He seems to be seeing a power imbalance and speaking out against it. He wants to know why Moses has so much more authority – isn’t everyone holy, isn’t everyone important? Did Korach deserve to pay for that question with his life?
This is such a hard portion to teach to kids because we want to teach them to speak truth to power – to stand up for what is right. We want them to be good advocates, not afraid that they might be swallowed up if they speak up. At camp, we decided to teach that this is a story about communication. Korach wasn’t necessarily wrong in what he thought, but the way that he delivered his message wasn’t a way that Moses and God could receive and respond positively to. He might have been speaking, but he wasn’t communicating. We taught lessons about intent vs impact, how to give clear instructions, how to disagree kindly, and how rules are important for how we all get along. In the end, hopefully campers walked away a little more able to understand that how we say something is just as important as what we say.
This lesson is equally important as we grow up. How many times have you been annoyed with someone at work, only to realize that you didn’t understand what they were really trying to say? How many times has a friend left you frustrated until you figured out that they needed something different? It is an ongoing practice to try to communicate in ways that can be received well and to listen with patience and understanding, even through others’ poor communication.
Once, I called a mentor because I was trying to manage a conflict between coworkers, and she told me “to always assume best intentions.” That frame has really stuck with me and guided how I try to handle frustration and miscommunication. It is vanishingly rare that someone starts out their day planning to ruin yours. And you will experience a lot more peace if you start from that frame of mind. If someone is late to a meeting, it’s not because they don’t care but because they were making sure they made it there, even though it was hard and something was slowing them down. If someone is trying to solve a problem in a totally different way than you would, maybe they just see it differently. We are all just trying to get through our days.
If Korach had assumed best intentions of Moses, he might have thought that Moses was doing what he thought was best for the people and said “I know that leading the Israelites and communicating with us on God’s behalf is a lot of work. I see you and Aaron taking it all on yourselves. There are a lot of us who want to help.” If Moses had assumed best intentions of Korach, he might have said, “I hear what you’re saying – the whole people stood at Sinai, and the whole people are holy. I know that you also want what’s best for the people.” Maybe it wouldn’t have ended so badly if they’d been more communicative and more respectful.
When someone arrives late, I always say, “I’m just glad you’re here.” When someone makes a mistake, I say, “You tried.” When someone’s behavior annoys me, I try hard (but don’t always succeed!) to see what their goals are and understand that it’s okay if their goals and mine don’t line up. Rabbi Cohen would describe this as “PUF”- practicing patience, understanding, and flexibility. We are always going to make mistakes in how we talk to, listen to, and strive to understand others. But we can work on it and strengthen our community by assuming best intentions of each other and practicing patience. The whole community is holy; we just have to learn how to express it.